The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ Ver. 2010 Written by Adam Jewell (amp), Chester Karma, and Bill Wilkinson. (Plus 15 minutes of fame by John Lodder.) Created 11/29/98...Hey! that's my sister's birthday! Last modified 07/23/10 by Bill Wilkinson. `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- "Kinda like alt.stupidity, but...well, kinda like alt.stupidity." \|/ -POP- Hi! /|\ Bill Wilkinson here. CkCk and amp wrote the early versions of this FAQ. Since those two have disappeared into the Shadows, I've taken over the FAQ and--in an anal sort of way--tried to add stuff to it and tie it all together so that it all makes sense. I think you'll agree that the resulting patchwork can be compared to one of Mary Shelley's worst nightmares. TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. Introduction 2. Who designed that neat ASCII sine wave? 3. Can I read amp's version of this FAQ? 4. Who wrote the original alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ? 5. Why are you now maintaining it? 6. Why does Spatch sign himself tv's Spatch? 7. Why doesn't Spatch post to alt.stupidity.spatch? 8. Okay, here's the ObQuestion: Who are the regulars in a.s.s? 9. That's it? No Web links or anything? Not even a clever closing statement? 10. Who is the Hairnet Man? 11. Why all this talk about Hairnet Man? This is supposed to be a FAQ about Spatch! 12. When is Spatch's birthday? 13. Spatch is on MySpace? 14. Spatch is on Facebook? 15. Have there been any Spatch sightings lately? `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 1. INTRODUCTION Allow me to introduce myself. (Bill hands you his card. You look at it. It is blank except for the words "My Card.") `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 2. WHO DESIGNED THAT NEAT ASCII SINE WAVE? Amp did. 2.A. Who's amp? He's one crazy Irishman. Don't mess with him. He also semi-wrote the original version of this FAQ because Chester Karma Chester Karma took so much time before writing it himself. `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 3. Can I read amp's version of this FAQ? SURE! Just read the following and avoid the bouncing ball! 3.A. The following is an update to amp's portion of the FAQ. It looked okay to me, but he wanted it updated and he is--after all--one of the original authors. Here's his reasoning, followed by the update. Sheesh. :-) >25 Sep 2000 >Hello Bill old chap, what ho and all that jazz. > >I noticed that the part of the FAQ I originally >wrote had got borked in the formatting department cos >the line width I orginally used was too long. So >through a huge personal effort and sacrafice I have >done a wee tidy on it. > >amp `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- (amp speaketh) Finally after a million billion years of waiting I present, the alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ!!!!! _________ _________ _________ / ___ / / ____ / / ____ / / /__/ / / /___/_/ / /___/_/ / ___ / /_____ / /_____ / / / / / / /___/ / / /___/ / ... and bacon /__/ /__/*/________/*/________/* Version Orange.banana.0 The Best ASS FAQ You'll Ever Get!(tm) (Temporarily maintained by amp until Chester gets back) `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- ``'-.,_ amp: Hi, I'm your host amp and for the next couple of pages we'll be looking at your newsservers ASS. Its mystery, its intrigue, the death and the mutilation to name but a few words that happened to pop into my head. With me are some of the cast of ASS in their virtual form. In other words it's like I'm making them up. WHICH IS ACTUALLY THE CASE!!!! Isn't that right Ross? Ross: No. amp: So I'm not making you up. Ross: Yes. But I am making you up. amp: I'm confused now. But that's just what your ASS is all about. Isn't that right Bill? Bill: No. amp: What? Bill: Exactly. amp: Umm... And now we must answer the question. Where? why? what? who? and most importantly Huh? (tm Nosy). To answer that question of Where? we must first look at alt.stupidity. Where is it? It's on Antelope Freeway. So, Per, does this mean your ASS is on a road leading off this Freeway? Per: hmm... about half a henway. amp: What's a henway? Per: Three trillion triangular tons. amp: Nice alliteration. Per: Thanks, I try. amp: Ok, now that we've sorted out the Where? we must now ask ourselves WHY!!!??? WHY, SPATCHDAMMMIT IT!!!??? WHY!!!?? Spatch: There's no need for me to dammmit amp. It's already dammmed! Besides look through the magic webpage hole in this post: From http://www.spatch.net/doing.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yes, I've got a newsgroup of my own. It's not a vanity thing, it happened one night on IRC when Tjames Madison (of alt.usenet.tjames fame) and I were really bored and he newgrouped it. Contrary to popular belief, it was discussed on alt.config for like all of 2 posts, in the middle of a big old crosspost tirade. Ohwell. Anyhow, this group is propagated enough, and Chester Karma himself is writing the FAQ for me. I wonder what will be on it. I guess we'll find out together. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ amp: Thanks Spatch. That's made it all clear now. We are indeed finding out together. It's almost like a Christmas Coca-cola ad (with capybara's instead of polar-bears). Hopefully your not so virtual self will give the nod to this ASS FAQ. Moving on to the question of What? What exactly goes on in your ASS? Magnus: More or less what goes on in alt.stupidity only with a slightly more orangey tang to it. John: I'd have said more like, honeysuckle. Paal: Ironing boardy, definitely ironing boardy Cabbage: People, people! IT'S A BISCUIT! NOT, I REPEAT, NOT, A BAR! *Panic ensues* amp: Well now it's time for the ASS FAQ to go to bed. We hope you enjoyed your time here and please, don't have nightmares. Also if you got some get rich schemes or flamewars why not put them in your ASS?! `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``' For possibly a longer, better and certainly funnier FAQ but with out all the silly ASS references try: http://www.lib.ox.ac.uk/internet/news/faq/archive/stupidity.faq.html It's Spatchtastic! -- __ ______________________________________________________________ \ \/ __"Siant V Tar The World!!!" Anti-Jn General Amp of Mars \ \ / \v4.03|McQ!McD! McBOOOOOM! - http://homepages.iol.ie/~adamj \ \/ ³¬ \PANEITY: The state of being bread- Chambers Eng. Dictionary\ `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 4. Who wrote the original alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ? Chester Karma Chester Karma write it. Heads up! Here it comes!!! `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- The long-awaited alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ Author: Chester Karma I've spent the last 2 years of my life in Tibet, researching and collecting data for use in this FAQ! It's my magnum opus! It's my War And Peace! It's my USA Today!!!!! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for... The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ version 1.0 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q1. What's all this, then? A1. It's alt.stupidity.spatch, duh. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- cK - who feels as if a great weight has been lifted off his shoulders `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- Thank you, cKcK. Bill here, again. Now, on with the rest of the frequently-asked questions... `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 5. Why are you now maintaining it? Maintaining what? 5.A. The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ, idiot. Becasue. 5.B. Oh. `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 6. Why does Spatch sign himself as tv's Spatch? Funny you should ask. On 1/13/00, Spatch sed this about that: "The name Spatch comes from the abbreviation for spatula; the tv's comes from MST3K and the fact that we had that cable access show for a while." `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 7. Why doesn't Spatch post to alt.stupidity.spatch? As of 01/17/00, his ISP didn't carry the newsgroup. You can occasionally find him in the alt.stupidity froup, though. 12/02/00: Sometime a few months ago he slapped somebody there upside the hed with a slab of bacon and now he can post here. `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 8. Okay, here's the ObQuestion: Who are the regulars in a.s.s? I was waiting for that to come up. It's a short list since very few people know about us. * amp From alt.stupidity. Doesn't post much anymore. * Bill Wilkinson From alt.stupidity. Posts far too often. * Chester Karma (if that's his Real name) CkCk. From alt.stupidity. Doesn't post much anymore. * Jen twtsmom is the Ambassador to alt.stupidity.spatch from alt.smouldering.dog.zone. 8.A. Huh? (tm Nosy) twtsmom? Ambassador? The Wonder Toddler's Mom. Let's just say for now that a.s.s. and a.s.d.z. almost got into a flame war once, but then decided that we liked each other. More information will be forthcoming once all the documents have been declassified. 8.B. By popular demand, Jen is now a naturalized official spatch.stoopidian. The first in this Froup who can claim dual citizenship here and in the Zone (12/02/2000). * Jesper Nilsson Signs himself Anti-JN since Stoopidian Jason Nafziger claimed to be JN. Several years ago, Anti-JN designed the critter that now graces the proposed alt.stupidity flag that various people think is a hamster, a rat, or a seagull. He claims that it's merely #4 in a series of fluffy things he'd like hanging on his wall. * Jessica Augustsson Jez has been posting to alt.stupidity and alt.stupidity.spatch for years and years and years. For reasons unknown to me, I haven't put her into the FAQ until now. Perhaps my sudden change of heart is due to John Lodder giving me a hard time about it. Or maybe it was the growing uneasiness that Jez would stop liking me and subsequently shorten my life span. Anyway, Jez is a scholar, a citizen of both the United States and Sweden (something Anti-JN can't claim), and a multi-lingual expert on Jabberwocky. One of her all-time greatest accomplishments was her recent (3/7/03) putdown of Bucketmouth: "Don't listen to him, John. He drives on the wrong side of the road." (I can say things like that, cause he never reads this froup anyway.) * John Patrick Lodder A veteran of alt.stupidity for at least a decade. Heroically attempts to keep sysadmins everywhere from removing a.s.s. from their news servers. Though he and Jen have never met, they share in common the fact that they've both seen the World's Largest Globe of the Earth. 1/20/01: Sometime around the turn of the century, John and his wife, Rochelle, went on vacation to the New England area of the United States and met both The Wonder Toddler's Mom and Spatch. A fun time was had by all and they had many interesting adventures--including the first recorded sighting of the Hairnet Man. * Magnus Mulqvist. From alt.supidity. Appears about once a week, replies to a lot of posts in burst mode, then disappears for another week. * Mircalla Mordenheim. The alt.stupidity vampire. Spends her evenings practicing astronomy, or something. Among her many accomplishments was to help design the alt.stupidity flag. Especially the beaver with the axe. Some trivia: According to Per Harald Myrvang, "Mordenheim" is Norwegian for "murder a home." `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 9. That's it? No Web links or anything? Not even a clever closing statement? Yup! For now at least. We never close. More later. Later: Links can be a pain for a FAQ to maintain. Try doing instead a search on Googel or whatever the latest sooper-dooper search engine is. `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 10. Who is the Hairnet Man? The Hairnet Man is a kind soul who--when you least expect it--will help you when you're stuck in a stupid situation. You can recognize him by the the fact that he wears a hair net and hip waders. The first officially recorded sighting was reported right here in alt.stupidity.spatch and was confirmed by a phone call from John Lodder to Bill Wilkinson. Specifically, John was visiting New England at the turn of the millennium and was trying to parallel-park a rented car into a difficult spot when the Hairnet Man suddenly appeared and began directing traffic for him. When the project was completed, the Hairnet Man turned and ran off into a building--never to be seen again. Later, in an AOL-type instant message, Spatch confirmed the confirmation and added that it was the strangest event in the area that he'd ever heard of. (And that was from someone from the same part of the country that produced Lovecraft.) `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 11. Why all this talk about Hairnet Man? This is supposed to be a FAQ about Spatch! Well, strictly speaking, it's a FAQ about Spatch's newsgroup; but okay, ask a question about Spatch. `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 12. When is Spatch's birthday? According to this post, it occurs on or about January 21st: From: spatula@retina.net (tv's Spatch) Subject: Re: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLOOOOO Date: 1996/01/21 Message-ID: #1/1 sender: usenet@news.zippo.com references: <30FAD386.24C7@stinky.winkie> <4dk16n$f6p@vassun.vassar.edu> organization: Giant Toad Supermarket reply-to: spatula@retina.net newsgroups: alt.stupidity nosmith@vassar.edu (Flapjack) writ: >flapjack-who recalls a Beckett play called "Breath" which, at thirty >seconds holds the record for shortest play ever Well, for a quantum physicist, he's pretty hot shit, but for a playwright, he's pretty sucky. - spatch, working on his birfday beer - -- tv's Spatch, MSTie #43790 and the fifth Banana Split "Frank, this is science, not Romper Room." - Dr. Clayton Forrester "And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones." - W. "Growl" Zevon PAT BOONE MUST DIE. http://uptown.turnpike.net/S/spatula And, according to MySpace, he was 32 years old in 2007, so it follows that he was born on January 21, 1975. We think. `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 13. Spatch is on MySpace? Yes. But he doesn't show up there too often. Not only that, he's also on Facebook. (Go on, ask it. You know you want to.) `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 14. Spatch is on Facebook? I knew it! Yes! Look for `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- 15. Say, USENET is getting awfully quiet--and Spatch almost never shows up here or anywhere else. Have there been any Spatch sightings lately? Funny you should ask that. John Lodder (of April in England fame) saw him on a train platform in Chicago, during the Summer of 2010. Not like one of those unconfirmable Elvis sightings, though. NosireeBob! Spatch was passing through town and twitted Lodder. Here's the story in John's own words: `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-' "Spatch was riding coasters at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, IL. Due to an Amtrak schedule change, he had an extra day in Chicago. He and a friend went looking for remanants of the 1893 Columbian Exposition, which he tweeted. We then arranged over Twitter to meet at a nearby Metra train station. Neither party recognized the other at first and Hairnet Man did not appear (sigh). We had 15 minutes before their train to chat: who's still posting in alt.stupidity, stupidians found on Facebook, spatch's activities (writing radio plays, coaster stuff, visiting World's Fair sites). Then the Metra train arrived and whisked them off. Whoosh. john." `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-' Alas, no one took pictures. `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'- If you have suggestions about the alt.stupidity.faq (no flames or profanity, please), email them to me at wxwilki@mindspring.com. Put ALT.STUPIDITY.SPATCH FAQ in the Subject: line, or I might delete it without reading it. Since there's too much spam out there, you might also want to politely ask the spamkiller bot standing guard at the door permission to contact me. --Bill Copyright 1998-2000, 2001-2007, Bill Wilkinson. Portions of this FAQ are the property of the authors identified within.